Sunday, 20 July 2014

When you promised me an 'Eternity'

NHK lady on rainy days, 
Bananas in the fridge
 and things that don't last forever.

I believe there is a huge difference between being a really kind person or being unable to say 'no' of which, I guess I am the latter part.

I can play nice but there is always the ugly side to me like the rest of the whole where I can't always pass things off. I can't be kind all the times.
I just don't know how to say no.

well, at the end of the day... having that kind of personality did lead me up to grabbing myself an NHK subscription for six months (although I never watch programs).

It was raining that day, as I laid on the futon and casted my mind away to places my feet would have loved to walk on, of the things my eyes would have enjoyed seeing.
Then the intercom rang  in the midst of the thoughts sprawling on the floor in front of me and the rain drops, trailing down the glass of my sliding door.

Through crackles I could barely make out the voice.
She stated her name and business I couldn't catch but I didn't want to be rude to ask again after two minutes of uninterrupted introduction. (That just wasn't allowed in the unspoken law of human nature.) I just told her to hold on and opened the door.
Quickly collecting pieces of myself from the floor, I grabbed my green cardigan and walked outside.

I walked few doors away from mine and waiting near the elevator.
After a minute or so, the door opened and she came out stumbling. A lady in her late twenties probably, drenched in the rain. She didn't see me waiting and was trying to fix her disheveled hair. Once she realised I was standing there, she tried to get herself together.

Like a cat, in the pouring rain. I watched her. She came out of the elevator in a stumbling motion but didn't trip to my surprise.

Helpless and clumsy, she tried to confirm who I was. Once she realised she was standing in front of the foreigner twerp, she shook out of her day dream. she explained herself.

A trap was all I could think. Was that how T.V service providers all tricked their customers into subscribing?

I told her I didn't have a T.V and she took out another paper telling me I could use my laptop to watch. The desperation in her voice, her clumsy manner- I was quite shocked to see someone so clumsy trying to be a salesperson. How many people had rejected her? How long has she been walking in the rain? Would I meet a kind person if I ever took up a job like hers? (In the, end I felt more sorry for an alternative me in another universe than for her who was standing her, dropping papers here and there and I guess that's how I couldn't say no).

That's how I am now subscribed to NHK though I don't watch anything on my laptop.

Moving onto my other topic,

This is to anyone who's 'other half' has promised you an eternity and a love that would last forever.
To teenager who thinks the world of your boyfriend- now is the chance!
RUN! RUN! don't look back! keep moving without letting him know. It's a trap. You would entrust and invest all your treasures and then within a week, you'll find them all withered.

I always believed there was eternity somewhere- mum made it seem like there was.
Parents make it seem so easy to place our beliefs in words we only hear but can't feel.
However, being on my own- I have been hugely shock to discover there is no forever- nothings stay the same or fresh. There was no one to teach me, that I would get hurt if I relied too much on just the word, 'eternity.'

I don't know if this feeling after discovery is of hurt, shock, or pure hatred but the one thing I had trusted without ever a benefit of doubt, just destroyed all my faith in true love.

Why would you give yourself to someone who only uses words of 'forever' when even your fridge can't promise you fresh food forever?

Yes, I thought refrigerators were the answer to the word 'forever'. But coming home to find, wilted lettuces and blackened bananas (that looked like they took a vacation in Hawaii), the little faith I had in the world came crashing down.

Really, what is the use of refrigerators apart from cooling stuff if it can't promise to keep my food fresh forever?
What's the point go even buying one. I feel like I have been made a fool of.

Because of this incident- I'll probably never get married.
I am taking this and forever engraving in the back of my heart as a metaphor for life and a reason to not fall stupidly in love.
(To never lose my level-headedness or rationality).

Gummy Sonam

Saturday, 12 July 2014

Catching souls

How do you breathe life back to what's already gone?
How do you catch a soul escaping a body?

An expired time.

So today, I was walking around Ueno with a friend of mine. We came upon around three people collapsed on the ground in different places at different times. First one was near building, suffering from heat stroke and luckily being handed water by a young troubled security guard who was trying his best to remain calm but as he spoke through his transmitting device or whatever you call it. The other was inside a restaurant  we were walking past.  Under the Noren (The short japanese curtains hung at the entrance of stores and restaurants), we could clearly see him passed out  on the ground- right at the entrance and surprisingly no one seemed to be doing anything. Not the people in the restaurant nor the staffs themselves. So I am just assuming that guy was probably dead drunk.

The third one- wasn't heat stroke nor overdosed on alcohol. We were at the train station and slowly climbing the stairs towards the platform. As soon as my eyes met the ground of the platform, to my left I witnessed a man drop dead in an instant.

I have lived for 18 springs on this planet but this is the first time, I saw life at its end right before my very eyes.  Station attendants ran, put the man (with grey hair) on the stretcher and tried to divert the crazy crowd that was jumping out of the JR yamanote train from the right and charging towards the blue train (I have never seen before) on the left. 

I got onto my JR line on the right and watched out of the window as the two station attendants tried to  get ahold of the man and the third one, trying to get the crowded lining up for the train to move out of the way.

Even after a while, my train wasn't moving and I could barely make out the automatic Japanese announcer apologising and whatnot. So I got out of the train and made my way to the platform on the left side. Only then, did the paramedics come in sight. Three men uniformed in sky blue, running towards me with urgency. (The colour had me fooled!) and one of them, missed the man and went far ahead and his colleague has to call him back. 

They tried to bring him back to life. (Funny I used to listen to  Evanesence plead for life and no one seemed to be doing anything). 

As I slowly got on the blue lined train along with the other passengers. I watched as human beings tried to slow down the cycle of life. 

What was the man thinking when he left his house this morning? Did he know his time would come soon? Without a warning, to collapse at a train station surround by strangers who aren't affected at all for they don't know him. Did he have any idea- wasn't there any signs? What about his dreams?  Did he try to fight against the shutter of his eyes?

The train slowly drew away as all eyes followed the last image of the scene in silence. During the whole time, I couldn't see his face- only managing to catch a glimpse of his grey hair and his white collared shirt. We watched the six men tried their best to change the course of fate but in vain. Oxygen mask and other equipments but the man never lifted a finger. 
When we were out of sight, people returned back to their normal conversations except one, 
that caught my attention. "Looks like Heart attack."

It was only once that I reached Akihabara station that I stopped and realised,  "I may have just watched the death of a man right in front of my eyes" but slowly like million other hapless living creatures, I drowned myself in the crowd  that cannot seem to be able to grasp hold of tomorrow. 

Saturday, 17 May 2014

To the seven year old me.

"Dreams require sacrifices, what have you sacrificed?"

「Dear seven year old Sonam,

Here, grab a seat.
Settle down.
Okay, now I am going to tell you something important-
but before that, I need to clarify a few things.

First of all, no!
You can't get inside the T.V and solve the problem for your Bollywood actors.
Don't spend your time searching behind the telly. There is no secret portal that'll help you tell off the evil mother in law.
It's a waste of time, really!

Secondly, NOPE!
Continents aren't divided by religion and no, Asians aren't just buddhist!
You, little stereotyping brat.(heh)
Asia is made of many vibrant cultures and religions.
But I don't blame you- you'll find out soon enough and you too will fall in love with it.

And lastly,
It's no use worrying about why your best friend has been hanging out with another classmate a lot lately.  Don't worry about getting left behind. Why?
because 11 years from now, you won't even remember your best friend's favourite colour.

Listen closely now,
For now I am about to tell you about you, about me and about us in a future you never saw coming.

Your favourites dolls are going to be locked up in boxes up in the attic, never to see the light or feel the warmth of your hands.
Unfortunately, you won't be able to become the youngest Bhutanese writer but don't stop working on that story ,'The poor father who had a beautiful daughter,"I still think it's by far the best story I ever came up with.
I am taking away your dream of going to high school with your friends.
I am taking you far away from the comforts of home and a familiar environment.
But most of all, I am taking away the definition of 'home' from you.

I'll be honest.
You probably won't like the older you.

Stop keeping count of the things you lose because as every year passes, you are going to lose more than you can count.
You were taught in school that grandpas and grandmas are old so they die- but they never tell you other family members die, pets die and friends die too.

Someone came up with this word YOLO a while back, but I don't get why people would live by it, doing the stupidest things? I mean we only live once so might as well live it right, right?! We may only live once but we have to live through every second, minute and hour.

I don't reflect you- I have stop reflecting you since a long time back.  You can't openly express your  worries or cry whenever you feel like it. (Those pair of invisible warm hands stopped reaching out since a long time back. Tears no longer have the magic they used to have as a kid). You no longer can make friends without worrying if they have any hidden agendas.
I'll be honest- even I think I liked myself back then when I trusted people, was never suspicious of strangers and never doubted a stranger's kindness. However, the years between us taught me adults can be useless, people aren't kind and we have to make sacrifices.

Dear seven year old Sonam,
Never stop being a great person because I was once told by an old couple(friends of mine) that my parents must be really good people. I wondered why they thought so when they hadn't even met my parents. They answered that they knew because I was a good person, because a child reflects what his/her parents are.

And while I think so too,  I am also aware that I am a reflection of the places I travelled to, of the people I met and the cultures I have dived into.

Then there is our dream-
You'll hate me for this. After you finish high school, you'll move to Malaysia to study, It's set that you'll be studying in Malaysia for two years and then off to Australia. While the 16 year old us, is busy attempting to close a chapter to her 'Japan dream', a light sparks somewhere and soon, we're standing at the edge. The 17 year old us finishes a year in Malaysia but halfway throughout the year, she'll just stop.

The thought will hit her hard, it's weight crushing her abilities to think rationally(hehe).
"Do we want to live this way? Choosing the safest option, standing behind the line-
Four years of our youth-probably the last years of our youth, sitting inside the comfort zone,"
While our friends prepare their documents and attend lectures for the degree programs, she will pull away- won't confirm her seat for next year.
She's ready.

Long story short, that's how we jump shipped and ended up where we are right now.
Paying bills in languages we don't understand,
Away from the people who knew us,
In a place where we are almost invisible,
Oceans away from the things we grew up with.

A future that is no longer secure,
It's really scary- and honestly, I have never been more scared than this.
However, the uncertainty continues to pull me in.
Maybe it's my age because it's a given, we make stupid choices at this age but I would like to think, this has been by far the most right choice I have gambled with.

However, seven year old Sonam,
Yes, there were be sacrifices- a lot of them in fact.
Not all will be physically visible but they will disappear, one by one.Things you used to consider dear to you.
But this is Life.
just trust me on this one for we will go on an adventure, fall in love with places and people. In turn, discover our full potential so someday we can paint ourselves with the colours of the cultures we immerse ourselves in and reflect the people we met through this lifetime.

Don't let go,

For most of all we are taking a leap of fate.」

Gummy Sonam

Monday, 5 May 2014

(Food for thoughts: Identity)

"It takes miles of footsteps, food of different tastes, mix of culture and all those different individuals to figure out who you really are,"

The pieces slowly form into shapes inside my head as the images in my vision is inhaled thoroughly.
They become translucent as the copies are filed into my head.
I am at peace.
It's neither the illuminating lights nor the bustling noise of the city.

It's the emptiness.
The calm wind brushing past my cheeks momentarily,

The slow scene, just 12 trains stops away is in an entire different dimension. (Only four stops away while riding the express train).
As soon as I step out,  the noise fades and it becomes lively in my head.

I walk along the bicycle lane as bicycles whisk past me, as children's voice trail off in front of me.
Runners slowly taking over my pace and leaving me behind in less than few seconds.
At times, I play a game- walking within the long white lines painted on the edge of the lane.
(That if I fall out of the line, then it's world apocalypse)

 It's a miracle for someone with a shoe size of 39cm that my feet are perfectly inside the white lines.

I stop by to admire the tiny white home, newly built. The scene has changed from labor workers in their large go-go pants, (just a month ago slamming nails into the walls), to men in dark suits standing outside the entrance as they point upwards to the roof (their voice barely audible) and now, to windows with white lace curtains and laundries hanging from the windows of second floor.

Then few meters ahead an old man sits in front of the gate of his house, reading a newspaper. On a pile of planks, surrounded by his treasure of stacks of books bound tightly in plastic strings, empty brown flower pots and bottles who haven't seen garbage day as far as they can remember. At times, another old man joins him.

Soon few blocks away from my destination, beside the children's park- the lady is there again.
In a white hat and a camo trench coat, she has a white opaque bag in her hand. The chubby stray cats (who could be well mistaken for being owned) rub themselves against her leg and purr warmly.
They crowd over her as she bends down and give them whatever is in the bag.

Our eyes meet-
"Ah, Konnichiwa."
She bows.

After weeks of anticipation, a chance has finally presented itself.  I bow back and try to reply, only to find my voice barely audible behind my hygiene mask desperately hoping that she heard my greeting. However the chance for a reintroduction is gone as my feet have taken steps I can't undo.  I quietly note to myself- "to have a a longer conversation next time."

And then I turn right and slip through the brown gate and before long, I am in front of my apartment as the sight of cars stopping at the red light comes into view and a train crosses the road.

It's then I realize, I am fine without the bright city lights. Yes, at times there is this craving caused by this age for the loud unrecognizable noises and the strange unfamiliar faces but then the green scenery and the quietness that inspires me hits closer to the definition of 'home' more than a city that has a price tag to its kindness.

Gummy Sonam

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Did you know Sakura trees were made by men 400 years ago just for the sake of cherry-blossom viewing?

"It's not just compliments and nice words that takes you higher,
it's also the harsh words and cold treatment that drives you further-"

Blogging from my tiny, bare room on a cold, rainy day-
久しぶり「Long time no see-」

Although it's already the 4th month of the new year, it's the first post of the year for this blog.

I arrived in Tokyo almost two weeks ago with nothing much but a heavy suitcase full of my unnecessary belongings- which I later found out, didn't have any warm jackets. (Apparently I underestimated the Spring weather here.)

I am writing this post today because a few days ago, i received a message from a girl whose dream was to go to Japan but unfortunately, for her- she felt it was a bit too late.
Reading her message kind of overwhelmed me because I remember, being just like her-
Wanting to go to Japan and experience what it's like to live there. [I blame animes and mangas for creating such a beautiful society my younger self could only visit in my dreams occasionally- heh].

Well, the real thing does live up to my younger self's expectation though.

My wanting to go to Japan wasn't just an idea that sprouted a month or week ago.
Years and years of dreaming and hoping did most of the trick.
Promising my younger self, that one day we would be there-
sitting in the train, walking under the rain- carrying transparent umbrellas and sitting under cherry blossom trees.

Yes, at one time-
It became an impossible dream.
I remember apologizing to my younger self that I had let her down, that I couldn't fulfill our promise.

However, now that I think about it.
Those days where it felt impossible, those thoughts that made me give up many times were nothing more than just a trial that makes the result even more sweeter.
As lazy as I am, I know for sure if you have a dream, you have to work for it.
No dreams are impossible because if it was, you wouldn't dream of it in the first place.

*Inhales deeply
Well, now that I am standing here, let me take this opportunity to thank those people who always motivated me to work for it and even during the times I gave up, they waited for me to get back.
My friends, especially from QELC, uncles and aunts in Bhutan, my Japanese senseis, family and of course my stubborn dad who eventually gave in. [Muhahaha- you have yourself to blame for giving me a stubborn personality-]

Those who have been with me since I developed an interest in Japan, you have probably witnessed the crazy things I did for this dream of mine. Thank you for being patient and I promise to take in as much experience as I can during my stay here in Japan and every time, things become hard- I will remember all the words of encouragement.

And of course, before I forget,
yes, it was the people who encouraged me that helped me stand here today but I also have to thank those mean people (oh no, I haven't forgotten you adorable munchkins). People who criticized my dreams and gave me those icy cold shoulders because I was a 'nobody'. Well, two words for you lads as well.
'Thank you,'
For pissing me off so much- it made me work twice as hard to achieve this dream.

Okay before I digress any further- which I already have.
Wear your dreams on your sleeves proudly, announce it to the world but never throw it away completely just because you 'feel' that you can't do it.
It's never too late.
Sometimes, all you have to do is really listen to those corny and cheesy lines from books and movies and actually apply it to your life. (Not the dramatic ones though, please!.There is more to life than romance and unrequited love).

However, if you want to experience the Japanese life, I would suggest you don't only just watch anime and read manga but also start to appreciate the different aspects of the Japanese culture. [*Enters harsh truth]: Yes, we all started from anime and manga but if you re planning to live in japan with just a manga in one hand and a figurine in another- i suggest you rethink your plan because you'll probably get a culture shock from realizing not all Japanese speak your anime lingo.

And remember, the hardest part of living in Japan isn't the language, the train system or the food-
it's the garbage sorting.

Oh, and here! Seeing a dirigible for the first time in real life.

Nothing is impossible unless you are an alien- or a frog, because frogs scares me.


Gummy Sonam
hailing from Hanakoganei

Monday, 11 November 2013

Signs from Above?

Dreams, Signs, Messages-

You know how people over the centuries have received messages and signs in their dreams from the heavens above so they sought out to deliver those messages however only to end up either being killed or only accepted during their last breath?

Well, my friends. I am happy to announce that I have been chosen by my great one to connect the signs.

Yes, Last night I had a dream.
A dream about ONE OK ROCK.
[Image from google]

A dream-so vivid; Pulling other girls' extension to fight for the front row, speaking German(which I am pretty sure was dzongkha). I was pulled up on stage and I started singing ENKA with Ryota. As I shook Taka's hand in a stadium, I kept telling myself to not wake up.
That it would all end.

But then BAM!

11:00a.m (At an unusual early hour) I woke up.
I grabbed my phone from my side table and swiped it open.

All of a sudden  I see a Facebook message from my friend, linking me to a page holding a contest for ONE OK ROCK'S meet and greet in Singapore.
Yes, and while I was busy typing, my brother(OUT OF NOOOOOWHERE) whatsapped me an image of the the contest.
My body became a ball of goosebumps.
I rolled out of bed but only after checking underneath my pillow to make sure Taka's autograph didn't come sucking out of my dream.

There was nothing.

However, my conclusion is
It's ONE OK ROCK sending me signs!!!!!!

The Contest being: Taking picture with a sign saying why we love One Ok Rock.(T__T)
It's like asking my mum why did she give birth to an awesome child like me? (although I am sure there are lesser reasons for that)
However, honestly if anyone manages to give the reason why in less than a day, their LOVE MUST BE FAAAAAAAKE!!!

The funny part is just a month ago, they were holding a fan art contest for the MEET&GREET.

At first, I was pulling my hair and collecting my creativity juice but as I started to pen down my idea, I had this weird feeling. I mean, I love One Ok Rock and their songs. I am willing to stalk them around the world for their concerts but do I really wanna meet them up face to face?
It's like having a crush on Hitler from the photos but would you REALLY WANT TO MEET THE GUY? O_O

Having my dream come true is fantastic but I feel that some dreams should be left unfulfilled.
It wasn't until I heard my mum told my sister that our fates are never meant to cross those of the famous people.
(I think this could also be an advice for NOT ALL but THOSE crazy Kpop fans who are soooo desperate from the moment they get out of bed to the time they get in bed, their minds; intoxicated with Korean idols)

(BUUUUT if any Korean actors or singers are reading this post, three words for you "TAKE A HIKE!"
Thanks for converting my mum and sister into one of ur groupies (T^T))

Well, anyway my point is (or actually was)
That in my head, I already have an image of One Ok Rock and meeting them, I fear might just change those images that I have built up over these years of worshipping them.

However, today everything- everthing that I stood for came crashing down when One Ok Rock walked into my dreams unannounced. I mean I don't even see my crushes in my dream apart from old haunted ships(baby sitting ghosts), getting married to Fox spirits and buring potato fields.

To think that One Ok Rock dared to break down the portal that even relevant people in my life have failed to knock on, I must admit I was taken by suprise.

And for that, I pledge my loyalty and offer my Fan taxes to ONE OK ROCK for eternity.

Gummy Sonam

Sunday, 8 September 2013

The man and the plastic cup

"Can I haaaaave... Ice caramel... Coffee?"

"With ice cubes or ice blended?"

  "Blended please,"


"Regular please,"

"I meant medium.... Take away please."

"Having here or take away?"

   "Take away. . ."

His weak, barely audible voice. . .

My friendliest smile fails to crack his stoic expression. His bored eyes remain unfazed by the world. 

  A small man. 
It's as if his very soul has plunged out of his dark eyes and jumped straight inside a jar, probably sealed and tucked behind the shelves of the kitchen (wherever it is)
As he presses the button of the blender with his slender fingers,  the blocks of ice cubes spin and spin. In seconds they are crushed relentlessly and blended into million rocks just like his emotions of hatred, regret, sorrow and longing. 

   As he pours the mixture of coffee, caramel and ice, reality starts flowing into the transparent cone container. The brown liquid of broken dreams and unreached destinations swirl and gradually settles inside the plastic cup. 

  And then, all his handicapped dreams are squeezed  and condensed as he presses the lid tightly over the cup. He throws in a green straw, hoping someone might taste the story he wanted to write, a different picture he wanted to paint- another life he wanted to live.  

"For the people who walked away from their dreams."

-Gummy Sonam